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Reason.

This is the post excerpt.

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I wanted a platform to write and share most of the things we feel but we can’t explain , basically it will require alot of emotion and open mindedness to understand most of the things I write but I’m certain everyone has been there and maybe someone is there. 

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The rule(s) of the Relationship.

If you had history, the feelings are never dead. There is no way I’m comfortable that my boyfriend is friends with his ex. Never. It just can’t be.” Alison slams her coffee on the table and I i recoil at the force.

To understand this, we’ll have to go back to the beginning of this conversation. That would be when she called me up to have coffee with her at my regular spot, I was about to decline until she used the best words against me. ‘I’ll pay your tab’ I wasn’t going to pass on free breakfast on a Saturday. This was the highlight of my day until I met her. She resembled an actress from ‘Zombie apocalypse’ and for a moment I almost left after saying ‘Hey’ but her eyes had me taking a seat and asking her what the problem was.

If you had history, the feelings are never dead. There is no way I’m comfortable that my boyfriend was friends with his ex. Never. It just can’t be.

Yes, these were her first words, like i was supposed to magically understand what she was going through.

How about you explain things from the top. I’m sure the table would love an explanation as well.” she almost smiles but it’s a ghost of a smile.

“So Bret has been going out with some friends from college. Sure, he has time for me but they moved into the neighborhood close by so I understood why he wanted to hang out with them. Well, that was until they met up last night and well what do you know? He hugs a lady friend. That’s not all, that lady friend happens to be his ex.” Any normal person would be shocked by that, but I had to ask about the elephant in the room.

Are you spying on him? “ How could she have known?

That’s not the point, the point is. Every time he’s been going out, he’s been meeting up with his friends, and she just happens to be one of them.” I raise a brow insisting she should answer my question.

I just followed him that night. I was getting a bad feeling and he’s been texting alot. All in the name of ‘it’s a group chat’. I wanted to confirm he wasn’t cheating. “ she sighs in defeat.

How do you know it’s his ex?”

Because he told me himself. We got into an argument at the bar, created a scene and he threw the ‘she’s just an ex from college’. I’m not friends with my ex from any life or anywhere. There’s a rule. He expected me to understand that? ” I didn’t know if it was okay to answer. Fact is, if there were rules, she broke one too.

Steph, could you be friends with Collin? ” Way to throw my history under the bus.

I’d be civil. Like, I’ll say a simple hello when we cross paths but other than that, no.” I had to be honest. Bret had messed up major, but it had nothing to do with me.

I’ll admit it, spying on him was wrong, okay? But if I hadn’t, I’d be blind sided. It doesn’t help that after storming out he didn’t follow me, so I didn’t sleep all night because I was feeling guilty for embarrassing him.”

What a sweet thing to do. She was either dumb or a keeper. I’ll go with both.

Don’t look, I think I see him crossing the road. “ She’s gone bat-shit crazy as well. Probably from the lack of sleep.

How about we go to my place, you take a warm shower then we’ll binge on a boring film until you can sleep. Or use my sleeping pills. ” I rub her hand soothingly a twisted smile on my face.

“Before that can I please have a word with her privately?” Turns out she wasn’t crazy.

“Are you two spying on each other?” They had to be. I don’t get my answer because Kevin pulls me out of my seat and walks us to the furthest table in the café.

“Where did you come from? Why take us this far? Now we can’t listen in on their conversation.”

We shouldn’t. I missed a very good time with a girl because he had to keep me up all night to listen to his ***t. I can’t take another hour of it.” I didn’t have to know about his night plans.

Girls are like detectives.” he laughs after placing his order.

I take another sip of my hot coffee observing the couple from afar.

Both of them broke certain rules.” I tell him looking at the couple having a serious conversation that i believe i have a right to listen in on.

Every institution has its rules. Marriage has its, and so does a relationship. Hit me up if you have some rules you wouldn’t want to be broken in your relationship, explaining why…Let’s meet at part 2

This type of love…. Part 4..

The normal kind of love. The ordinary love. That kind.” he explains taking a sip of his soda. Kevin sinks in his seat looking at his friend in disbelief.

I knew you were dumb. I just didn’t expect it to be this much bro.” he says.

What’s wrong with a conventional relationship?”

What the hell is a conventional relationship?” I nod in agreement. Kevin had a point, what kind of love is that?

It’s the ordinary kind of love,” a feminine voice answers dragging her seat to our table.

I feel like we have created a small crusade. I’m not a people person, so you guys can go on.” I’m about to stand when Kevin grips my hand firmly.

“Steph, meet Alison. Brody’s girlfriend.” I sit back down. He does have a girl after all.

She had excused herself to the ladies around the time i butted into your talk. Plus, she’s my ex girlfriend. We broke up.” more juice. They seemed okay though. Were they still friends?

Why are you here with your ex? You know the law. Exes can’t be friends.” Kevin, the spokesperson to my dumb thoughts. Maybe we were friends after all.

A conventional relationship has all the above. There’s PDA, there’s dates, there’s affection. There’s everything related to a relationship, even break-ups. Its so normal. No drama.” he ignores Kevin.

I blink at his ignorance and explanation for lack of words. Any words.

You thought my type of love was a joke at first.” I turn to Kevin.

I am so sorry Steph. I really am. Alison. Please tell me he’s not serious.”

That’s Brody for you. As long as the community points out what’s normal in a relationship, he has no problem.” she explains twisting the cork of her bottle of soda harshly.

Better than acting too perfect and too mature.” he counters.

“So you’re not friends. To make this less awkward, we’re not councilors either. So you can get a booth and talk things over, preferably somewhere we can’t hear you. Steph and I have important issues to talk about. Don’t we?”

We do?” We didn’t, he may not want to listen to Brody, but i wanted to know how Alison wanted to be loved.

What’s your type of love?” Might as well grow a back bone to cut the tension between the two. If roles were switched, Collin would be biting my head off.

“There isn’t a specific type. You can’t circle everything you want from a guy with one word. Like excuses. No, love is a book with contents in it. It has chapters and sub topics in it. So i can’t limit what i want from a relationship, specifically from my guy in one word. What about the rest? “

She was right. Sure, I wanted concern from a relationship, but that’s not all i wanted. Kevin wanted one without excuses, but had other things in it. Brody was still figuring out what he wanted.

Didn’t i play according to that book? Where did i fall short? If i can’t know, I’ll never be a better man. You have to tell me.” Brody’s voice is so soft, he’s either about to cry or he’s choking on his soda.

So you want the type that involves communicating. You want your partner to speak up when you fall short and you’ll speak up when they do. That kind?” Kevin has graduated to love expert one point o.

Yes, because how can I fix something that I don’t know about. How can I work towards becoming someone I can’t describe? All you had to do, was talk.”

Doesn’t change the fact that I’m right.” she takes a hold of his hand and squeezes it. It’s the, ‘we’ll talk about us later‘ gesture and he seems to catch on fast because he smiles at her and nods.

There’s consistency, something people don’t have and end up breaking each other. There’s concern, there’s talking, there’s even religion. All these things are under love. You can’t just pick one and think that you will have solved everything, no. Love is all about everything. So my type of love, is the entirety of it. Because until i get exactly what love means and what it requires, i can’t live right. Sure, there’ll be excuses, but love corrects mistakes as well. So that’s my type. ” she gets comfortable in her seat and sips on her soda slowly.

Neither one of us have said a thing because we know she’s right. Today I’ll want concern, tomorrow I’ll want trust.

I never thought about it that way. I was too fixed with one thing. Maybe i haven’t been loving, if i have, I’ve been loving wrong.”

We all nod, agreeing with Brody. Maybe we’ve been liking not loving. Love is a whole other field with a whole lot of components. We were still figuring it out.

Well, to falling in love. The genuine type of love “ Kevin raises his glass of juice and as our mug, glass, can and bottle click, smiles form on our faces.

This marks the end of this chapter I guess, there’s more to come, but this marks the end of ‘This type of love’. So have you been loving or liking? Have you been loving wrong? Am i making any sense? Talk to me…Stay tuned for episode 2. Please share your thoughts.

This type of love…. Part 3.

That seems simple though. Like how much work is it asking your girl how she is everyday?” Kevin, he was a self proclaimed player, but there was more to him than this facade he’d built up.

It is, but wait till you’re in the position. You’ll say I’m nagging you. What about you though? What type of guy are you?” he smirks and i know what he’s going to say.

I know about Jenny. So the ‘hit and quit’ crap you’ll spew won’t work on me.”

You literally can’t live without people sniffing into your business in this place can you?” he scratches the back of his head and i settle comfortably into my seat.

“Spill.”

He orders fresh juice and i get a refill. I was getting juicy details from the horse’s mouths takes a bite of my cake.

I want a love without excuses.” Gone is his fake smile, here i am face to face with Kevin. The real Kevin. I hold my breath afraid that the air i exhale will blow away this version of him that only Penny had seen.

“I am the ‘no excuse’ type of guy. To put it in your terms. The problem is, there’s always an excuse for everything. There’s always that ‘i have to justify myself’ notion girls have because thet are too busy jumping into conclusions. I want a girl who’ll admit she’s done something wrong, own up to it, apologize then later she can justify herself without putting baggage on top of baggage. I don’t want the ‘but you did it last time’ or the ‘everyone does it’ or the ‘he’s just a friend from class’ i want a ‘i made a mistake, I’m sorry Kevin.’ Don’t ruin it by saying ‘had i known’ no, I’m pissed about something, don’t bring up an excuse, understand that i have feelings and they’ve been hurt. Okay? “

I nod, he either had temper issues, or i struck a nerve and he’s been holding in too much. Do i regret asking him? Almost, i don’t share food. However, his emotions were enough food.

So what if i sleep around? We all ger that one girl who gets you all weak in the knees and you’re willing to go to church every Sunday if it means seeing her in her real element. But then you get the girl, then she becomes the ‘i have to justify myself’ do it after we’ve agreed that what you did was wrong. So in a nut shell, i want a love without excuses, the type of love that isn’t logical because i don’t want to explain to people what we are, that’s theirs, that’s an excuse to butt in to our cocoon. “

To a point i get him. I do. We get so caught up in trying to defend what we do wrong instead of taking a step back and admitting that ‘i did this and it’s selfish of me coming up with excuses as to why i did it.’

I’m about to talk when a voice interrupts us.

I am more of the conventional type of love guy”

Brody, one of Kevin’s friends. He must have been listening in on our talk. He moves his chair to our table not leaving his can of soda behind.

“What the hell kind of love is that?” Kevin is quick to ask.

I can tell I’ll have a long morning, but I’d be lying if i said I wasn’t interested in finding out what he meant. He was the most sought out guy in town yet nobody knew his love life at all.

I need more cake “

So, yeah… That’s whay he said. Basically girls don’t expect guys to be deep, there we go jumping into conclusions again… Haha.. But yeah. Kevin wants a girl who’ll love without excuses and who’s love won’t have excuses. Are you a Kevin? Are you a Steph kind of Kevin? Tell me….. Uuuuh stay tuned to more scenes from our next episode…

This type of love…. Part 2.

It has been two minutes since he asked his questions, from the look of things, the guy isn’t budging until he gets his answers.

“Is it some right you are practicing by butting in to my safe space?”

No, but would it hurt to fill me in on the details?”

It wouldn’t, what if it’s used against me though?

I laugh at the thought. This wasn’t a film.

“I’ll buy you pastries and pay the bill.” He smiles.

It depends. To know what a girl wants, you have to know who the girl is.” The lines of worry on his face tell me he’s confused.

You mean the kind of girl, or her name?”

Maybe the kind, but basically who she is. On and off books, call it a profile. You can’t know what i want, if you don’t know what type of girl i am, you can’t understand the type of person i am, if you don’t know who i am.” he moves a little too close to comfort. He’s either being attentive, or doesn’t want people listening in on our talk.

What type of girl are you then Steph? Let’s skip the ‘who are you’ and get to what type you are”

I almost smack him, but it wasn’t his business knowing who i was, it wouldn’t hurt to tell him the type i am, it’d help him understand the type of love I’d want. Maybe.

I’m the ‘how are you’ girl.” he snorts.

I want to take you seriously, please don’t make me regret asking you.”

I’m the type of girl that is moved by concern.” I ignore him and continue.

“I want someone who’ll ask me ‘how are you Steph?’, ‘How’s it going with your plan?’, ‘How do you feel about this?’ You call it attention, i call it concern. I want to connect with someone emotionally, i want to hug my boyfriend for five minutes and after he’ll ask ‘Are you feeling better Steph?’ I don’t want that on a time period of three months while we’re fresh in to the relationship, i want it all day, everyday. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not needy, or an attention leech, i want him to know what’s going on and i want to know what’s going on with him. Like, what good is it if i would rather open up to a friend? What is he there for. I mean i don’t have to get knee deep into things, but that simple. ‘How are you?’ ‘Is everything okay?’ That’s all it takes for us to last. I’m that type of girl. So sure the guy is loyal, spends on me, loves me in his way, but that’s not the type of love i want, i want that type of connection because i believe if i have that…. “

I look at him and he’s actually very leen.

What more could i possibly want? “

I smile at the cupcake next to my coffee.

He didn’t ask? “

He stopped asking. That’s another thing. Consistency. “

that’s the end of part 2….did you like it. Do you want to see more types? Comment or hit me up via app… I want to know if you’re the ‘how are you’ type of girl. If not, there’s a whole lot of types. Fellaz, you’re not going to be left behind either… Thank you for actually reading my cringe-worthy view of things…aaaah…be sure to listen to Monster by Jacob Black as you read, if you can….

This type of love… 1.

So, i haven’t been writing, i won’t blame it on writer’s block in as much as it really is. However, i have decided to take a little turn and write something different… Not very different though, at the end of the day. I communicate with my reader’s emotions, regardless of facts or statistics, i believe, i connect with your emotions one way or the other and i appreciate you my little base of humans that connect with me.. With that said, let’s begin… “

Sipping on my usual cup of black coffee in the morning at my usual chill spot feels like home. It feels like that comfort space in my head, the one I’ll run to when I’m thinking too hard about something so small. Blame it on my wildly imaginitive brain, but i love it. I don’t expect Kevin to join me a smirk on his face. I know that face, it’s the ‘i got some’ face. However, sitting across from me while I’m having my heaven is a sin and he knows it.

Word is, our little bird broke free a week ago. Imagine my disappointment when i found out today. We’re best friends Steph, you should tell me when you something this wonderful happens” that explains his smirk, he just found out i broke up with Collin, the ‘best friend’ label had me cringing in my seat. We were nothing close to being friends, I’d say we’re acquainted with each other.

Well, now that you know, and reported to me. You can leave.”

I can see the flash of disappointment across his face before he hides it oh so well with a smile.

What is it you girls want from us? He was ready to commit, spent on you. This might come as a shock, but i was rooting for you two. If you can dump a guy like him, then I’ll probably die single. Like, what is it you want? What more do you want from us? ”

What is it we girls want? That’s his question? I pondered.

Thus the gates of my imaginitive brain opened and the staff began printing papers to explain to this bloke what it is we want.

But i couldn’t come up with an answer that would suit us, i came up with one that would suit me.

What is it that Steph wants in a guy or from a guy, that had her dump Collin a month before his birthday. I wouldn’t call it dumping though, I’d call it a better name if i had thought of one but people tend to label everything with the worst tag. However, that was the reality of things. I wanted something, i did want something…

“You like? You want to know what Steph wants? Then let’s meet at part two of this. Yes, I’ll update oftenly. Events in this story are purely fictional. But realistic either way. Anyway, karibuni twendelee.”

Happy Before 21.

Dear Sylvia,

It’s eight days to your official 21, you had plans for this, had dreams about this, had hopes about it, but like the other years, you haven’t achieved any.

No, I’m not insulting future you, I’m just pointing out sad facts. Funny how negative we still are huh?

Yes, we’ll push it to 14th like we always do and curse anyone who wishes us prior to that.

Luna still is your ‘name’ and will continue to be until you fully grow up.

I hope noone had a tragic occurrence though, some will be reminded of theirs but I hope this time, everything will be positive. Maybe then we’ll stop thinking we actually bear some curse. We’re selfish.

For your 21st birthday, we thought you’d have something meaningful, some sort of millenial independence, yaaaay 21st century, but no.

We believed we’d hit clubs and actually shed off our tight skin for once and enjoy having people around, but no. That’s probably because you’ve never loved that kind of life. You never will.

We’ll have a normal boring day. Don’t feel sad, I’ll mature into you then, add a year above the great 20 where you’ve learnt and you’ve lost. Boy have you lost.

We’ll sit down with a cup of water and imagine how it’ll go. However, you’re turning 21 at coast. You’d kill to have someone offer to walk around with you on the beach. Just that. But like we said, you’re birthday is a buzz kill. It’s unfortunate.

Here’s something we never told the 20 year old you. All wounds may heal, but the scars don’t fade. Those scars though, are to remind you of the big battles you’ve had to overcome.

As negative as we may feel, I know you feel this blooming hope saying “it won’t be that bad” I don’t know what to do with it, but I know better than ignore it.

You’ll probably read this post all over again laughing at how lonely you must have felt to write this, but you weren’t. You’ve never been, and maybe it’s part time you let people, the right people, see the real you.

Someone is bound to make you smile like a maniac that day. Viviane is bound to come up with something goofy and sweet too. People will come around to appreciate your sarcastic humor and your presence, as dark as it may be.

Anyway, what 20 year old you is trying to say 8 days to 21 is. Write happier stuff, smile more, open up more, let go of the past, love and above all, be the you you’ve always wanted to be.

Try and smile more, get an attachment that actually pays, be more selfish, dance and sing more. Love more.

Happy birthday 21 year old Syl. I love you girl… 😊

Luna.

KENYA 20(Every year)

So recently our nation happened to have a terror attack, sadly lives were lost, some were fortunate enough to survive, but the mental duress is a scar that only time will heal. I feel for my nation, but above all, I stayed strong for my country.
However, this isn’t a patriotic literature, that’s not what I had in mind.
It’s the religious discrimination in this nation that just sickens me, it’s what happens after terror attacks that just sickens me. Earlier in 2018, I walked into the library with my Muslim friend who accidentally forgot to leave her purse at the gate, so after our session, while leaving, we had to get ‘checked’. Leave it to the askari to refer to her as a gaidi.
Why? Because the human didn’t see a person, no, she saw a hijab and automatically called her a terrorist.
No, that’s not the basis of this whole talk, there’s more.
After our terror attack, Kenya made a title for every Muslim found in the wrong. Terrorist.
What about the millions of Christians or whatever religion that kill themselves and their families? What about the politicians feeding off from our hard earned taxes? What about the various assassination attempts by them who are in power? What about them? What title do we give them?
What Kenya focuses on is what Abdul, Zaina, Abdi or Lukman did or does.
That’s why Kenya naturally blames the Al Shabab for every terror attack. Quick to point an accusing finger to our brothers and sisters simply because of their religion, well SHAME.
Yes, SHAME.
There isn’t a religion that allows murder. You oppose this? Then back yourself up with a verse from any Holy Book that claims ‘kill innocent people’.
“Why is it that when a Muslim does something wrong Kenya automatically calls them a terrorist, but every other person who is in the wrong isn’t titled with anything?”
That was the discussion I had with a friend.
So, I won’t keep talking, pulling out more evidence to prove we are an unfair nation. We blame white men for being racists, but we are no better.
So before segregating the whole Muslim community, check yourselves. You’re no better.
Bloodshed requires unity, not accusations. The country is quick to share videos of the so-called Al Shabaab threatening to strike, others quick texts from a prophet who had fore seen the terror attack. The country is quick to arrest suspects 80% of them being Muslims. What about Jacob Juma? The attempt on Philomena’s life.
We are going to turn a blind eye on that? Don’t be obtuse people, be wise.
Unless found guilty, really guilty, cut Muslims some slack and focus more on ensuring there’s peace in the nation.
Just because one Muslim or ten or thirty were found in the wrong, doesn’t make them all terrorists. You are the real terrorist, feeding the community with poison, filling them with hate and bringing about separation. To my Muslim brothers and sisters, I apologize we live in a nation that sees you as the enemy. They are their own enemy.
LUNA.